The Life and Times of Clint Barton
by andquitefrankly
Summary: Spin off of Do or Do Not, There is No Try. A Clintcentric fic focusing on what Clint was doing while Tony was off wooing Loki. High school AU.
1. Spiders

It had begun with spiders.

And it wasn't that Clint was scared of spiders, because he wasn't. Not really. If there was a spider crawling up to him he'd happily stomp on it. But if he found a spider on his pillow just before he hit the sack, he would (though he'd never admit it) scream like a little girl and trip over himself to get as far away as possible.

So when he opened his locker and found at least two dozen spiders of various species and sizes paryting it up for the past week without his knowledge, he had a bit of a breakdown.

And as much as Clint would like to tell people it was a very manly breakdown, several witnesses could attest otherwise.

That was when Clint had declared Loki his arch enemy. A bit overdramatic, but Clint didn't care. Loki had crossed a line and there was no going back.

The fact that Tony was suddenly interested in the little vermin was too much for Clint to handle. He remembered the spiders. And when Clint remembered the spiders, there really was no going back. "Cause he's a sick bastard," Clint shuddered.

So many spiders. So many goddamn spiders. _Clint, get it together. Think of something else. Something friendlier._

"He could've overheard you mentioning it," Tony suggested, shrugging as he twiddled his pencil.

Clint gaped at him. "And he remembered? That makes him a stalker which goes back to sick bastard," he pouted. His mind started wandering back to the spiders. _No. No spiders_. He glanced upwards and moved on to rats.

How rats were more comforting than spiders, Clint really wasn't sure. He began to wonder if rats could even make it to the ceiling? They did in Ratatouille, but that was a movie. And while Clint liked Pixar, he wasn't sure how attuned to reality they were.

"You're not his only victim, you know. He also stuffed Steve's locker with a lifetime supply of condoms," Tony sighed, putting down his pencil and shooting Clint a look.

But Clint didn't notice. He was too busy laughing it up. "Steve was so red," Clint managed through his laughter. "I'm surprised he didn't die, right there."

"Unlike someone else I know," Bruce managed, but before Clint could argue Bruce agreed, "I'd never seen anyone turn that shade before."

Clint always wondered how Loki had managed to get all of those condoms. Was he some sort of unleashed sex fiend? Maybe he knicked them from the nurse's office. Going to the store and buying a ton of boxes of condoms seems a bit extreme for a prank.

"The point is," Tony badgered on, Clint still in a daze. "Loki likes to mess with any and everyone." That earned a snort from Clint. "He doesn't care who you are or how high on the social food chain. If he's bored and you're getting just a little bit too cocky, chances are he'll embarrass the crap out of you."

Clint didn't agree. Loki was a jerk. And jerks do jerky things. That is all.

Bruce raised an eyebrow and said, "You seem pretty informed. Writing your thesis on Loki's instability?"

Clint laughed at that. And then frowned. He forgot all about his senior thesis. What the hell was he going to write about?

"I feel bad for the guy," Tony muttered dejectedly. Clint was finding that just a little hard to believe. Who would feel bad for Loki? The guy was a jerk.

And Clint said so. "So am I, but at least I have friends," Tony cried.

Clint didn't know what he was hearing. Tony was not a jerk. Ok, maybe he was but not one of those complete asshole types. Not the type that Loki was. A jerk, Tony. A jerk. Clint had a feeling Tony didn't know what a jerk was. All Tony needed was a wakeup call. Maybe he could call up Loki and set up a hit. Then Tony would see.

"All Loki's got is himself and his brother, and that relationship is rocky – at best." Clint scoffed. Not that he didn't agree. He had been there for the Odinson Brother Brawl. But rather because Loki did not deserve any sort of pity. Or empathy. Or those other things ending with "y".

"I'm pretty sure underneath the dorky t-shirts and his mischievous grin, Loki's just a lonely kid with no one to talk to but his Darth Vader figurine," Tony finished.

Bruce and Clint raised an eyebrow at each other before shooting an equally weary look at Tony.

Clint was seriously concerned.

"How do you know he has a Darth Vader figurine?" Clint asked. Because honestly, that was oddly specific. The last thing Clint wanted was to find his best pal fraternizing with the enemy.

Tony just shrugged, which was not answer enough. "He's a nerd," he finally reasoned. "What nerd in their right mind doesn't have a Darth Vader figurine?"

Clint accepted that explanation but not because he wanted to. He just really wanted this Loki centric conversation to end.

* * *

**Author's Note**: So... I forgot who, but they (maybe there was more than one) wanted a Clintcentric story. And so this is basically a spin off of Do or Do Not, There is No Try. So we get to see what Clint (and Steve, Bruce, Rhodey, and eventually Natasha) are all up to while Tony is off in Loki Land. Don't act like you weren't curious. It will share some scenes with DODNTINT and probably (most likely) go into its sequel (The Courtship of Loki Odinson) when I get around to writing it sometime next week.

So yes. That is all. Let's Clint this up.

Aardvark!


	2. Mac and Cheese and Chicken and Peas

"You know," Clint observed as he watched Tony saunter over to Loki who was nose deep in some book, "whenever Tony says trust me, I can honestly feel myself go into cardiac arrest."

Steve bit his lip. "What do you think he's gonna do?" Steve whispered, watching the interaction like it was some disgustingly hypnotic nature special. Clint couldn't make up his mind who was the lion and who was the zebra. If that look on Loki's face was indication, he was definitely the zebra.

"Hi!" waved Tony at the suddenly silent lunchroom. The cafeteria erupted into boisterous laughter as some student from the back of the room shouted a "Hello" in return.

Clint was sure he was the only one to see Loki grab his things and make a dash for the exit. So much for that plan of action. Looks like the zebra got away.

When Tony grabbed the carrots left on the table and dashed after Loki, Clint knew trouble was brewing in River City.

"Ten bucks says Tony's gonna do something stupid," Clint blurted as he took a gulp of chocolate milk.

"You don't know that for sure…" Steve attempted to reason.

Bruce cleaned his glasses, shaking his head. "I don't think anyone's going to argue with you there, Clint."

o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

Clint hated riding the bus. Public transportation could kiss his ass. At least once he could afford a car and possibly a beachfront property and a house with more rooms than any human could possibly need. But for now, the bus it was.

He was sitting next to one of the regulars who Clint liked to call Cheesecake. An elderly woman who wore floral print dresses, Clint dubbed her Cheesecake when, two months into his sophomore year, he boarded the bus to see her sitting with three boxes of cheesecake on her lap. Honestly what kind of old lady eats that much cheesecake? Needless to say Clint was terribly jealous.

The bus driver this month was Bubbles. Maybe it was because Clint watched Lilo and Stich a week before they switched bus driver, but Clint felt his Bubbles and the movie's Bubbles could be twins. Albeit one real life and one animated twin.

Behind him was Pop Rocks and beside her was Freckles. Sitting in front, as usual, was High School Dropout and Sneakers and Grandma Betty. She just looked like a Betty.

Clint wondered if they had nicknames for him. He imagined they'd be something cool like Hunk Man or Backpack. Maybe he was just High School Punk. All in all the ride wasn't terribly boring. He had his regulars to entertain him.

Not that they were very entertaining. He checked his watch and stared out the window. He was almost home. He could do this. Oh god, why does that woman have to smell like cheesecake?

Once off the bus Clint strolled the three blocks to his and his brother's dingy apartment. It wasn't completely dingy. Barney made relatively good money for someone who worked for city hall. It didn't make their neighborhood less craptastic or their apartment bigger. For a two room basement apartment in a relatively shitty neighborhood, it wasn't that bad.

Clint threw his backpack on the couch and tossed his keys onto the kitchen counter. He opened the fridge and grabbed a can of Cherry Coke. He made his way to the living room and once he had the remote in hand decided that Thursday or not, he wasn't going to do anything productive. Like watch Adventure Time. Oh, yeah.

o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

Barney shoved his keys into the lock, unzipping his jacket as the warmth of the apartment and the aroma of macaroni and cheese hit him upon entering. He could kiss Clint.

"Hey," called Clint in greeting. Barney made his way to the kitchen where Clint was sitting, a bowl of mac and cheese set before him. "Made dinner." He smiled up at his brother, mouth filled with cheesy goodness.

"I could kiss you," Barney smiled back, ruffling Clint's hair as he made for the pot of mac and cheese. And chicken. Really? Clint put chicken in it. And peas. Interesting.

Clint turned in his seat and watched Barney analyze the pot. "I thought we didn't we have margarine so I took some of the leftover chicken. It's not terrible. Just try it."

Barney wasn't going to complain. He grabbed a bowl and practically served himself the entire pot. "How was work?" Clint asked between bites.

Barney sat next to his brother, shoveling food into his mouth. "A barrel of laughs." Clint got up and opened the fridge, grabbing two Cokes and handing one to his brother as he sat back down. "Thanks. School?"

Clint shrugged. "Same old, same old."

The two brothers ate their dinner, conversing about nothing in particular. It was one of the many things they had in common. Talking about nothing. What was there to talk about? Their parents? The orphanage? Their craptastic living arrangements?

They knew all they needed to know. They were brothers and they wouldn't let anything happen to the other. They had been through too much shit for that to happen. So mac and cheese with chicken and peas was happily consumed. Words of any variety were unnecessary.

o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

**Movie? – B**

**Which one? – S**

**SKYFALL! – C**

**Really? – S**

**Or Wreck It Ralph. I honestly am not picky. – C**

**I refuse to watch Wreck It Ralph. I'm not five. – R**

**Embrace your inner child, Rhodey. – C**

**You are a child. – R**

**At least I admit it. – C**

**Are these really our only options? – B**

**Frankenweenie's still out… - C**

**So our options are James Bond, Frankenweenie or Wreck It Ralph? – S**

**Only one of those I'd be willing to admit I saw. – R**

**We can watch Paranormal Activity. – B**

**No. – C**

**No. – S**

**No. – R**

**Come on! It'll be awesome. – B**

**You've been outvoted. Sorry, Bruce. – S**

**I'm sure Tony would agree with me. – B**

**He's not coming. – S**

**What? – C**

**But he's our ride. – C**

**Public transportation! – R**

**Fuck that shit. – C**

**Language. – S**

**Oh shut up, Steve. – C**

**We can just eat lunch and go home. – B**

**But… movie. – C**

**I don't want to listen to you complain on the train. – S**

**I won't. I promise. – C**

**Stop lying. – R **

**I'm not lying. – C**

**And why don't you guys have cars? I have an excuse. I'm poor. – C**

**My dad won't let me use it. – B**

**We only have the one. – S**

**I don't want someone to steal it. – R**

**I hate all of you. – C**

**We can watch Wreck It Ralph. If we do, will you promise not to complain? – S**

**Yes! – C**

**Ok. – S**

**Why are we five? – R**

**I guess I can live with Wreck It Ralph. – B**

**Awesome! – C**

**MOVIES! – C**

* * *

Author's Note: Hello! I didn't forget. I promise. Moved back to school, had no internet for like two weeks and even then I wasn't writing b/c I've been super distracted with my roommate/friend. Honestly, he's so needy! Ha! It's funny b/c he's literally lying on the couch right next to me... Ok. So we continue w/ Clint. It's AU, so I shaped Barney as I like so sorry if you don't think he's very canon. Alrighty. That is all. :)

Thanks for all the reviews and follows and so on and so forth.

angelafarooq: Yes. I knew it was you. I was too lazy to go through all of my reviews from DODNTINT but I knew it started w/ an 'a' and was a little weird.

Ok. I'm going to try to work on The Courtship of Loki Odinson and/or entertain my roommate. Augh! Aardvark!


	3. The Orphanage of St Louise

"I'm gonna wreck it!" Clint hollered as they left the movie theatre, bouncing on his toes as he held the door open for his pals. It surprised Clint how often he was able to coerce his friends into watching the all of the animated films. Particularly this year so far.

He couldn't wait for that Guardians movie. How often did Jack Frost get a movie? Never, that's how often.

Rhodey yelped as Clint jumped on his back, yelling, "That movie was awesome!"

Bruce shook his head. "You realize this is why we don't like to take you places."

"You're just jealous cause I'm attuned to my inner child," Clint argued, stuffing his hands into his pockets.

"You are a child," Rhodey grumbled.

"I liked the movie, too," Steve said, causing a huge grin to break out on Clint's face.

o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

Clint groaned as his alarm went off. He rolled over in his bed, finding the gun he kept under his pillow and aimed it at the target that popped up from the clock, eyes still closed. He shot it and the clock stopped it's blaring.

He dropped the toy gun onto the floor and wrapped himself around his pillow once more. It was too early in the morning for this.

_Bang! Bang! Bang!_

"Wake up, big butt," Barney yelled from behind Clint's door. Clint threw his blanket over his head.

_Uncool, bro._ "I do not have a big butt," Clint shouted back, wiping the sleep from his eyes.

"Just get up," came his brother's voice.

Clint grumbled, but got out of bed, the late fall chill hitting him hard. He shivered violently before finding one of his more comfortable sweaters.

After a quick shower, Clint made his way to the kitchen where a bowl of cereal waited for him. Barney leaned against the fridge, a steaming cup of coffee in hand. "Thanks," Clint mumbled, plopping into a chair and scarfing down his breakfast.

"Yup," Barney said, checking his watch. "Hurry up."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," Clint replied.

Ten minutes later and both Barton's were sitting side by side on the bus.

o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

Bobbi waved as the Barton brothers approached. "I thought you were gonna be late," she said, holding the Saint Louise church doors open.

"Big butt didn't want to get out of bed," Barney joked, punching Clint in the arm.

Clint pouted, rubbing his arm. "I do not have a big butt," he mumbled, glaring at his brother. "Everyone here?" Clint asked.

Bobbi nodded, letting the door close behind them as the boys followed her down the center aisle. A group of about twenty boys and girls were sitting quietly in the first two pews. Clint grinned at their good behavior. It took several stern talkings to and one too many nights with a sore bum to get him to behave in church. Or in a church. Or around a church. Or in general. A Catholic school education was tough.

Clint sat down behind the kids, kneeling and making the sign of the cross when he spotted Father Greg shooting him a look of disappointment. The last thing Clint wanted was Catholic guilt. That was a thing, right?

o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

The children were polite and quiet. Some were over eager. Those were the ones that were rarely adopted. There were a few adults who liked the rambunctious kind, but most stuck to the quiet kids. The rambunctiousness would come later, once they knew each other a bit.

The older kids tried to look genial but they knew the possibilities of them being adopted were slim to none. The day they turned fourteen was the end of the line. Suddenly they weren't cute or fascinating. They were too independent, too old to pretend these grownups were their parents.

Clint sat with the toddlers, playing with the ever entertaining Duplo lego blocks. He had been commissioned by a sandy haired girl with dimples to build a robot and he felt as if he was failing miserably at it. But a quick glance down at her happy face reassured Clint that maybe he wasn't completely hopeless.

"Rawr!" a ginger haired kid roared, stomping on Clint's robot. "I'm a dinosaur!" he told his audience. Clint was not pleased. The sandy haired girl, however, didn't care that her robot was destroyed.

"Dinosaur," she yelled back, growling and stomping about.

Clint sat, defeated. Why was he always put in charge of the little guys?

"Aren't you gonna play?" Bobbie asked, looking down at the Clint who was sitting on the floor. She sat down beside him, picking up a duplo block and handed it to Jimmy who was building… something. Clint wasn't even going to try to distinguish what it was.

"I'm beat," Clint said. "I hate adoption days."

Bobbi chuckled, knocking her knees into Clint's. "They don't," she told him, pointing at the kids. "I think it's great you help out."

Clint grunted. "I'm a real saint."

"At least you got out," Bobbi muttered.

He nodded. "Cause Barney aged out." He watched the small kids play dinosaurs then glanced at the teens sulking in the corner. "Don't worry, Bobbi. You'll get adopted."

She let out a sad chuckle. "I gave up years ago."

* * *

**Author's Note:** So...it's been forever. I'm sorry. Here's a little bit about Clint. Yay! And yes, my Bobbi is Barbara "Bobbi" Morse. Awesome. I don't much about her so I molded her to my liking.

And if any of you are reading TCOLO, I'm not sure if a chapter will be up this week. It's week ten. In other words, crunch week. Argh.

Aardvark.


End file.
